In light of graduation season and my recent article in Minnesota Lawyer discussing my mental health challenges, I wanted to write an open letter to my younger self. While I would love for my story to be a catalyst for the entire legal industry to more openly talk about mental health, even if my story helps just one person, that will be a success. For that reason, it was important to me to make this content available for everyone to read in the hopes that I can get it in front of someone who needs it.
Dear Joe,
You are 25 years old, and you just graduated law school. You are full of confidence and enthusiasm, and the world is your oyster. Like every other young lawyer, you are determined to make your mark. You are hungry for success and ready to take on whatever challenges lie ahead. You don't think or worry about mental health. To the extent you do, you think those things happen to other people who "can't handle things." Boy, are you naïve.
Over the next 30 years, you will help build a nationally known franchise practice and work with some of the biggest brands in the country. You will become chair of your practice group at a firm you love and chair of the ABA Franchise Forum. You will raise two little girls to be strong young women. But slowly, the demands of building and maintaining a practice will wear on you, your administrative duties at the Firm will pick away at your time even more, the volunteer work that was once fulfilling will slowly drain you. You will begin to spiral. Concentrating, eating and sleeping will become impossible. Running, a hobby you will take up in your mid-30s to relieve stress, won't work anymore.
Finally, you will go to a trusted Partner at your firm and tell him about what is going on inside your head. He'll tell you he understands and give you the number of someone who can help. You will be stubborn. You will tell yourself that you can continue to fight it. That will be a mistake. Until, one day in March 2022, you will sit at the edge of your bed – a bed you haven't had a good night sleep in in a very long time – and tell yourself that you cannot do this anymore. While you will never think about taking your own life, you will begin to understand how others can get to that place. And that is when you will pick up the phone.
The doctors will tell you that you are battling depression, anxiety and a touch of ADHD. They will also tell you that you will be okay. You are normal. You are not a failure. They will put you on medication for anxiety and depression, and they will teach you techniques to relieve your anxiety when that medication is not enough.
Getting help will be a mix of emotions. You will feel like a failure for not being able to deal with it yourself, but you will also feel the tremendous support and pride of your family for getting help. It will take you some time to believe the doctors when they tell you that you are normal and that despite the negative words like "unsuccessful" and "weak" that society typically attributes to people who face these challenges, you will be none of those things. No one who is suffering through mental health challenges is defined by them.
These challenges will be the best thing that will ever happen to you. They will make you a better person, a more positive leader and a more empathetic father to your two daughters. Those girls will also face challenges, but because you got help, you will be able to better support them and have a deeper understanding and connection with them than you could have possibly imagined.
And one day, a long time from now, you will have the courage to openly talk about these challenges. And, to your surprise, you will be supported by a family, a Firm and an entire community of people (some you don't even know) who don't say that you are weak or abnormal. Instead, many will say, "Thank you for speaking up. I've been there, too."
What's life like now? It's not always easy. Some days, I struggle. But now I know that there is a path out of the darkness. I wish I could have told you that everything was going to be okay. I wish I could have told you that others were struggling just like you. While I can't go back and tell you these things, I can, hopefully, reach someone else trying to navigate the darkness of mental health challenges and tell them that it's okay to not be okay and that there is hope.
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