Divorce ranks among the top five most stressful life events, alongside the death of a loved one, job loss, and major illness. And when your ex is particularly difficult or high conflict, navigating this time can feel nearly impossible.
Enter the BIFF Method: a powerful communication strategy designed to help you deal with high-conflict personalities during (and after) divorce.
Developed by therapist and lawyer Bill Eddy, the BIFF method is designed to neutralize hostile communication, especially from high-conflict people (HCPs). These are individuals who:
- Constantly blame others (a.k.a. blamespeak)
- Refuse accountability
- Use ultimatums or threats
- React with emotional intensity
- Escalate minor issues into major battles
How to BIFF
Let's break it down:
- Brief: Keep your message short (1 paragraph, 2–5 sentences). Focus only on the key issue.
- Informative: Share facts, not feelings. Avoid adjectives or emotionally charged language.
- Friendly: Keep your tone kind, not cold. A simple "thank you" or "hope you're well" disarms tension.
- Firm: Set boundaries. End with a clear closing line, deadline, or next step. Avoid re-engagement.
Examples: BIFF vs. Not BIFF
❌ Not BIFF: "Why were the kids up so late again? You never stick to the bedtime!"
✅ BIFF: "I'd like to align bedtime routines. At my home, the kids go to bed at 8 PM so they're rested for school. What's your routine? Thanks for helping us stay consistent."
What to Avoid When BIFF-ing
- Admonishments: Don't scold or criticize – they see it as an attack.
- Advice: Unsolicited advice feels patronizing to high-conflict people.
- Apologies: Avoid apologies unless you've truly done something wrong. With HCPs, an apology is often twisted into an admission of guilt.
Conclusion
The goal of BIFF isn't to "win" arguments but to stop the cycle of conflict. So next time your ex sends a nasty message or picks a fight... BIFF them. Your sanity (and your attorney) will thank you.
To view more details in my most recent webinar, click HERE.
The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.
