Recognising Spiritual Abuse In Relationships And Marriage

Spiritual abuse is a form of control that many people struggle to recognise at first. It does not fit neatly into the traditional image of domestic abuse, and it often takes place in private, within belief systems that may be deeply personal or culturally significant. Yet when spiritual or religious ideas are used to pressure, shame or restrict a partner, the impact can be profound.

People experiencing spiritual abuse often feel conflicted as they may be committed to their beliefs, but are worried about the reaction of their community, or unsure whether what they are facing "counts" as abuse. At Buckles, our role is to provide clarity and practical guidance, helping clients understand the nature of the behaviour and the legal protections available.

Understanding spiritual abuse

Spiritual abuse rarely appears as a single incident. It usually unfolds gradually. A partner might begin by presenting certain decisions as spiritually required, or by suggesting that questioning a particular belief is inappropriate or disrespectful. Over time, the expectations become less like shared values and more like rules. Clients often describe a slow erosion of confidence: the sense that their voice matters less, that disagreement feels risky, or that their choices are judged through a spiritual lens they did not choose.

What separates spiritual abuse from ordinary differences of faith is the pattern that sits underneath. When spiritual language becomes a tool to direct another person's behaviour, justify demands, or create guilt or fear, it moves into the territory of coercive or controlling behaviour. The issue is not the belief itself but the way it is used to restrict someone's autonomy.

Why spiritual abuse is difficult to recognise

One of the key difficulties is separating genuine belief from behaviour that has become controlling. Many people care deeply about their faith or spiritual identity, and this can make them question their own perceptions. It is common for someone to wonder whether they are misunderstanding their partner, overreacting or simply failing to meet expectations rooted in their shared belief system. It is often only by talking it through with a solicitor or professional that the pattern becomes clearer.

Recognising that a relationship has become controlling does not mean abandoning your faith or community. It simply means acknowledging the effect the behaviour is having and understanding that the law can protect personal autonomy without challenging a person's beliefs. Faith and safety are not mutually exclusive.

Specific challenges faced by victims of spiritual abuse

The nature of spiritual abuse creates particular challenges that can make it harder for victims to seek help or leave the relationship. Understanding these obstacles is an important part of finding the right support.

• Community pressure and isolation
  Faith communities can be extremely close-knit. A person may worry that seeking help will lead to judgement, gossip or exclusion from the only social network they have ever known. Family members or community leaders may, often with good intentions, encourage the person to "work on the relationship" or stay for the sake of religious duty. These pressures can make it difficult for someone to feel entitled to support or to trust their own concerns.
• Religious control mechanisms
  Spiritual abuse often involves the misuse of religious concepts to reinforce control. This can include withholding a religious divorce (such as a get, talaq or similar requirement) leaving the victim in a state of legal or religious uncertainty that prevents them from moving forward. An abusive partner may claim that leaving the relationship will result in spiritual consequences or divine punishment, or may even use religious texts selectively to justify their behaviour, asserting that submission or obedience is required. They may also present themselves as the sole authority on what the faith demands, denying their partner any independent understanding or practice of their beliefs. In some cases, the abuser may control or restrict access to worship, preventing their partner from attending services, praying independently or observing their faith in their own way.
• Internal conflict and guilt
  Many victims struggle with profound internal conflict. There is often deep guilt about "failing" religiously by considering separation or seeking legal support, particularly if their faith tradition places a high value on marriage or endurance. Some individuals believe that their suffering is a spiritual test they are meant to bear, which can make it difficult to recognise abuse or to feel entitled to protection. The line between genuine religious obligation and manufactured control can be hard to identify, especially when the abusive behaviour has been normalised over time.
• Concerns about being understood
  Many people worry that neither solicitors, judges, or social workers will understand or respect their religious context. The fear of being dismissed or misunderstood can make it hard to reach out. However, family law distinguishes clearly between respecting belief and protecting individuals from harm. Its purpose is not to pass judgement on faith but to ensure that no one is coerced or controlled in its name.
• Impact on children
  Where children are involved, the complexity increases. An abusive parent may use religious teachings to undermine the other parent or to shape the children's loyalty. After separation, children may feel caught between conflicting expectations about faith and authority. These dynamics are taken seriously by the courts when considering a child's welfare.

How the law approaches spiritual abuse

Although spiritual abuse does not appear as a standalone category in legislation, the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises the many ways abuse can manifest, including emotional and psychological harm and patterns of coercive control. Spiritual abuse sits within this wider framework. The courts are increasingly aware that control can be exerted through belief systems and moral authority in ways that may not leave physical evidence but nonetheless create significant harm.

This recognition matters in several areas of family law. It may support an application for a non-molestation order where a person needs the court to intervene to stop intimidation or coercion. It may be relevant when someone seeks an occupation order because the atmosphere at home has become unsafe or oppressive. It can also shape the dynamics of a divorce or separation, particularly where one partner has used spiritual reasoning to deter the other from leaving or to dictate what they believe is "permissible".

Spiritual abuse and child proceedings

Where children are involved, the court's priority is their welfare. Spiritual or religious practices are treated with respect and considered as part of the child's background, but the court will look carefully at whether the dynamics within the household expose the child to harm. If one parent's conduct limits a child's freedom, affects their emotional wellbeing or distorts their relationship with the other parent, the court may decide that adjustments to contact or living arrangements are necessary. The aim is to ensure a child grows up in an environment that supports their stability and healthy development.

How Buckles supports clients

Working with clients affected by spiritual abuse requires steady handling, clear communication and an understanding of the wider context in which the relationship exists. At Buckles, we start by listening carefully so we can understand the relationship dynamics, the community environment, the expectations that have shaped day-to-day life, and the client's concerns about safety, dignity and autonomy.

We then explain the legal options available, outlining what protective measures might look like, how the courts approach coercive control, and what steps might be appropriate depending on the client's priorities. We also look at practical considerations such as safe communication, managing separation, or approaching decisions involving children. Where helpful, we can signpost to therapeutic or specialist services with experience in faith-related abuse so clients have broader support alongside legal guidance.

Moving forward

Spiritual abuse is a complex and often hidden form of harm. It demands careful listening and grounded legal advice. For anyone who feels uncertain about what they are experiencing, a conversation with a family solicitor can provide clarity without pressure to take immediate action. It allows space to think, understand and plan safely.

If you recognise aspects of your own relationship in these descriptions, or if you feel unsettled by behaviour that has gradually become normalised, you are not alone. The law recognises the many forms that control can take, and support is available.

At Buckles Solicitors, we are here to help you explore your options with sensitivity and professionalism, ensuring you can move forward in a way that feels safe, informed and sustainable.

The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.