- Think about how you would like to resolve things with your spouse. If you have children, it will probably be very important to you that you remain on at least civil and hopefully, amicable terms, so you can continue to communicate openly about your children and co parent them in the best way possible. You may think it sensible to attend couples counselling in the early stages, initially to talk about the issues in your marriage and to see if there is a way forward, but if that is not possible, then to discuss how to navigate your separation.
- Always keep your children at the forefront of your mind, think about what is in their best interests, especially during those times when you might be feeling angry or sad, so that you don't say or do things that might inadvertently upset them. Speak to friends about your problems rather than involving the children.
- Seek support of trusted friends and family members.
- Look after yourself, spend time nurturing yourself and try to make time for the things you enjoy. Meditation, yoga, or exercise may help you to divert negative thoughts and allow you to be more positive. But be kind to yourself, it takes time to get over divorce and to heal.
- Focus on your future, what you want and how this could be achieved. Try not to dwell too much on the past. You may consider seeking the support of a divorce coach or counsellor.
- Think carefully before posting things on social media, consider whether this is appropriate and always err on the side of caution. Think about whether you want other people to know about your situation and whether it is wise to vocalize your thoughts and feelings!
- Take legal advice as early as possible from a family solicitor who is a member of Resolution – the body of lawyers committed to resolving family matters in a conciliatory way so that you know where you stand legally. This information will help to empower you and to quell fears which you might have about divorce. Think about whether Mediation or Collaborative Law might be a non-confrontational way for you and your spouse to discuss issues, as both mediation and collaborative law are designed to ensure that any children are held at the centre of discussions and to help you to arrive at solutions that will work for you both and be lasting for the future:
Mediation– a mediator will help you and your spouse reachanagreement in relation to arrangements for children and/ormoney. Discussionstake place in a safe and confidential setting and meetings are tailored to work for you both.
Collaborative Law– your collaboratively trained lawyer will help you to resolve issues with children or money in a series of round table meetings where the other spouse's lawyer is also present enabling you to reach agreement on any issues which are important to you both.
- It is never too soon to start getting your ducks in a row in relation to financial arrangements,somakea list of all assets and debts (in your sole names and joint names) with a note of theirvalues; getany properties valued (perhaps ask three local agents for appraisals so you can get a mid-value); contact your pension provider(s) to obtain the cash transfer value of your pension(s).
- Think about your income and capital needs (particularly housing needs). Consider whether it will be necessary to sell the family home and if so, what the reasonable housing needs for you and any children might be.Obtain initial advice as to your likely mortgage capacity (if any). If you are not working, consider returning to work orpossiblyretraining. Enquire into whether you might be entitled to any state benefits once you are separated.
- Whilst it is always best to try to deal with matters on a constructive and amicable basis, sadly this is not always possible, and it is better to be alert to possible issues. So, consider the following:
- Create a new email address and send/receive all communication about your situation via this new address, this ensures privacy and also helps to keep matters concerning the separation separate and secure.
- Think about what measures you might take to ensure your computer and mobile phone are private and cannot be accessed without your knowledge. Change the passwords to your private accounts and secure those to shared accounts (especially financial where possible).
- Consider whether any postal communication should be sent to another address, perhaps to a trusted friend or family member.
- Consider making a newwilland nominating pension benefits.
Finally, and most importantly, don't panic. Divorce and separation raise fears of all kinds for the future, but you won't have to deal with everything at once and with the support of a good family lawyer, it really is possible to navigate a way through what may seem overwhelming.
Originally published 28th October 2024.
The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.
