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20 December 2024

Divorcing a Narcissist and How To Stay Strong After

JS
JB Solicitors

Contributor

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A person divorcing a narcissist may have a difficult or stressful time dealing with them.
Australia Family and Matrimonial

Disclaimer: The article below may trigger some readers as we will highlight abusive statements and scenarios for people who are in abusive relationships. We only aim to help people cope and defend themselves in abusive relationships.

A person divorcing a narcissist may have a difficult or stressful time dealing with them. Sometimes it's difficult to spot their behaviour and patterns until you spend a lot of time with them. Most narcissistic tendencies tend to go unnoticed too since they are manipulative and controlling. Let's look at some traits and scenarios that a narcissistic partner may possess:

  • An exaggerated sense of self-importance such as bragging too much on achievements while belittling their partner's.
  • Feeling too superior in their opinions and dismissing their partner's takes.
  • Displaying a constant need for praise and validation from their partner. This behaviour can go hand in hand with a narcissistic partner believing they deserve special treatment from everyone.
  • Invalidating their partner's feelings during arguments and quarrels. Narcissistic partners tend to shift the blame to their partners when it is clear that they are in the wrong.

Do these traits and scenarios sound familiar? If so, then you may want to know how to divorce a narcissistic partner, One of the worst things they can do is to use the legal system as a way to continue to control and manipulate for their own personal gain. Co-parenting may also pose some difficulties since they can alienate children from the other parent.

Overall, divorcing a narcissist can be a complex and challenging process. So how can a narcissist divorce their partners easily and move on after?

How Do Narcissists Gaslight Their Partners?

Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists in their relationships, including romantic partnerships. This tactic is a form of emotional manipulation in which the abuser makes the victim doubt their own perceptions and memory. People who are gaslighted question their sanity or their ability to perceive reality accurately.

One common example of gaslighting is a partner denying that certain important events happened the way their partner said they did. For instance, a partner told her narcissistic boyfriend that he said a derogatory statement to her family. The narcissistic boyfriend continues to deny this and say statements like:

  1. "You're just being too sensitive and overreacting."
  2. "I never said that! What I said was [insert false statement]"
  3. "They don't love me do they? I'm just being me after all"

Another example is shifting the blame to other people or their partners. A narcissist divorcing their partner may shift the blame for the divorce on his/her partner. They may do this to gain the upper hand during property settlement or parenting arrangement decisions.

Divorcing a Narcissist: What Else Do They Say?

A narcissistic spouse may use gaslighting as a way to gain and maintain control over their partner. This allows them to distort the truth and make their partner feel unsure of themselves. They may deny that certain events occurred or insist that their partner misunderstood what was said or done. Here are some other common lines or phrases that narcissists may use:

  1. "I know what's best for you."
  2. "You're lucky to have me. If you were with another partner, you would feel sorry for yourself."
  3. "I did all of this for you and this is how you repay me?"
  4. "You're the only one who understands me, please don't leave me"
  5. "You're the problem, not me."
  6. "Me? Get checked with a mental health professional? Maybe you should get checked instead."

Preparations for Divorcing a Narcissist

1. Gather a Support Network

Everyone needs a support network for a lot of reasons especially when we are grieving. Divorcing a narcissist can be one of the reasons to need a support network. Dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. Hence, family, friends, and professionals can make the process more manageable. Here are some ways that a support network can help:

  • Emotional support: Having people to talk to and share your feelings with can help people cope with the stress of an abusive relationship. This is especially the case for partners who suffered emotional abuse from a toxic marriage.
  • Practical support: Support networks can help with practical matters, such as providing childcare or running errands when you are overwhelmed.
  • Legal support: A qualified family lawyer who is familiar with personality disorders can be an important ally in dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner in court.
  • Therapeutic support: Working with a therapist who has experience working with individuals with narcissistic partners can help them process their emotions and develop coping strategies. Victims of narcissistic partners develop trauma responses that may affect their other and future relationships negatively.
  • Validation: It can be challenging to recognise and address gaslighting and manipulation that often accompany narcissistic behaviour. A supportive network can help validate a person's experiences and provide a safe space to discuss what they're going through.

2. Practice Self Care

Self-care is also important when divorcing a narcissist. After all, a partner who suffered from the clutches of their narcissistic partner lost themselves. They may have trouble going back to their normal emotional and physical well-being before the relationship started. Let's look at some self-care strategies that can be helpful for people who separated from a narcissist:

  • Taking long breaks after work, social gatherings, or day-to-day activities.
  • Meditation when their judgement is clouded or when they relapse
  • Prioritising physical and mental health. Some victims may want to get checked with a mental illness in case they develop traumatic responses due to a narcissistic spouse. They may also look into going to the gym or doing physical activities like playing sports or simply taking morning walks.
  • Boosting self-esteem by indulging in one's hobbies and talents

3. Protect Children and Assets

It's important to also protect children and assets when divorcing a narcissist. Even children are not safe from manipulation from narcissistic parents. We should take note of this since a lot of children are unaware of manipulative tactics and will easily believe what their parents say. Hence, they may win custody over the children or at least have the upper hand when making parenting arrangements.

Narcissists may also try their best to manipulate their partners in giving them major assets such as cars and inheritance. They may trick their partners into thinking they made the most contributions in a relationship, monetary or not.

Therefore, it's wise to seek legal advice from a family lawyer to protect children and assets in a relationship.

4. Keep Detailed Records

It's important to keep detailed records when divorcing a narcissist. Such records may include bank statements, receipts, and evidence of abuse. Partners may also want to investigate their partner's past relationships to see if they already had narcissistic behaviours before meeting them. These records can help with countering any abusive or manipulative tactic a narcissist will show in court proceedings.

Tips on How To Set Boundaries

Of course, a person wants to protect themselves and set boundaries after surviving narcissistic abuse. However, you can still set boundaries while you are still in a narcissistic relationship. The first step to setting boundaries is to recognise narcissistic traits. We have highlighted some of the traits and statements they may display in relationships in this article.

Once you have a clear idea of your narcissistic partner's patterns, you can craft a plan for divorcing a narcissist. Let's use an example of rebuttals you can use if your partner is saying narcissistic statements and dismissive statements.

Narcissistic Statements Possible Rebuttals
"You're just being too sensitive and overreacting." "No, I'm not. I am simply addressing my feelings and I hope you listen to my opinions and feelings too." The statement above sets a boundary for yourself that helps you dismiss their statement and ask them to listen to your feelings on the matter at hand.

"I don't think so. You said something that hurt me and you need to acknowledge that. If you continue to dismiss my feelings, I will leave this room immediately."

The statement above uses a more straightforward approach in using a consequence if they are using manipulative tactics.

"I know what's best for you. You should just listen to me." "I don't appreciate how you say that. I also know the things I want for myself, but you're welcome to also open up anything you want for me too."

Again, this dismisses the narcissistic partner's statement, but the other party opens an avenue for compromise and suggestions.
"Really? A divorce? I still see us working. It's like you're the only one who doesn't want to work out this relationship with me." "If you want us to work, then can we please address our problems properly without dismissing my emotions and feelings?"

The statement above offers a compromise while addressing the narcissistic partner's abuse. This may prompt the narcissistic partner to recognise their behaviour and change for the better.

"Yes, I want a divorce, because you keep dismissing what I want to say and I'm not happy in this relationship anymore."

On the other hand, this statement puts the relationship at a point of no return. The partner has recognised their partner's abusive behaviour and sees that the only solution is to divorce. Though, this kind of statement requires a lot of courage to deliver.

Disclaimer: These rebuttals are just recommendations in made-up scenarios. We highly advise partners to stay calm and assess their situation or seek help from psychological abuse and domestic violence hotlines like 18000RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732 or seek help from a family lawyer.
Silhouette symbol. Child custody. Family law proceedings. Divorce mediation, legal separation

Divorcing a Narcissist With a Divorce Lawyer

As mentioned, family lawyers are one of the best professionals that can help partners divorcing a narcissist. Family lawyers have dealt with complex and regular divorce procedures with narcissistic partners regardless of the difficulty of the case. JB Solicitors has a team of experienced lawyers who can deal with various family law matters including:

Contact a divorce attorney today if you need help divorcing a narcissist.

The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.

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