United States: Listening To Your Kids During Traumatic Times

There are times when two conversations with two wholly separate individuals causes a person to distill some interesting new thoughts. Earlier this month I had lunch with a woman who has long run the intake program for the Domestic Relations Office in Chester County. We were discussing the triumphs and tragedies associated with the daily business of processing support cases where both emotions and money are at stake. My lunch companion, Rae Morgan, observed that one of the real problems they encounter is that because the litigants are so nervous about going to court over support they lose their ability to listen and appropriately process even simple instructions.

Two weeks later my lunch companion was Judge Daniel Clifford from Montgomery County. Dan is new to the judging business but a long time divorce practitioner before he was elected to the bench in January of this year. He has been hearing a lot of custody cases and we spent some time discussing how his perspective has changed as he transitioned from before the bench to behind it. His comments echoed those of Rae Morgan. Namely, that he wishes that litigants could observe their own testimony because in many instances what they were advocating was really not consistent with a child's best interest. Put another way, their anxiety about the hearing often deprived them of what might otherwise seem common sense.

In both instances we spoke about how lawyers can try to help people understand how the judicial process works and how they could be less reactive to it. But then today my inbox brought me an article from Popsugar captioned "30 Things that Children of Divorce Wish Their Parents Knew" I commend every parent to take a few minutes to look at this because a great deal of it would address the kinds of concerns Judge Clifford was talking about in a custody setting. I will edit what I saw as editors tend to do. Their 30 became my 15.

  1. As your kid, I want to love both of you fairly and equally and not have you think that my love for you diminishes my love for the person you once promised to love "forever."
  2. Moving from one house to another sucks and it's made even worse when you get all stressed about my leaving. I will be back, just like the court order says.
  3. You are not responsible for everything that happens to me and I realize that when parents disagree, it gets disagreeable. But please don't make it worse by making yourself crazy. If you feel trapped, try being in my place with two powerful adults wrangling over me.
  4. Please don't share with me what you and my other parent are fighting about. And, oh yes, I did tell you each something different about what sport I want to play because I didn't have the courage to stand up to either of you and feel your disappointment.
  5. Let me figure out whether I like the other parent's new significant other. I am stressed with conflicting loyalty issues already.
  6. It really, really hurts when you don't show up for something we have scheduled.
  7. Yes, gifts and trips are great but I can tell when the motivation is "Love me more."
  8. When I'm with you, I do miss my other parent and that does not diminish my love for you.
  9. I am not staying with you to provide information about what the other parent is doing.
  10. Understand that when you share your animosity for the other parent or the frustration you have with them, I have just about no ability to help you with that. I am just the child which usually means all I can really do is channel your stress together with mine.
  11. You may have "moved on" emotionally and found the man or woman of your dreams. Please don't ask me to share your dream until I am ready. I also know when your "friend" is a lot more than a friend.
  12. If I score a goal or play Dorothy in the "Wiz" I would like you both there sharing my joy. If I hug the other one first afterward, it is not a judgment.
  13. I don't need to know your side of what happened. I don't have the coping abilities of an adult and I have never been an adult. If money (or its absence) means you can't say yes to me, that is something you can tell me without feeling that you failed me.
  14. If there is bad news, please don't ask me to be the courier.
  15. Over time, I may judge the other parent harshly either with justification or without. I may be asking you to listen. I do want you to listen but I'm not ready to sign up permanently for the "Hate the Other Parent" team.

The content of this article is intended to provide a general guide to the subject matter. Specialist advice should be sought about your specific circumstances.

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